But how can you not know if you're depressed?

I wish I knew. All I know is I've been doing some very odd things lately. Very unlike myself. I've been Leaving my cds all over my room for one...and you say "So?" I'm extremely anal retentive about my cds...they ALWAYS get back in the rack. The only case that's out of the rack, unless I'm making a tape at the time, is the one in the player. And I only have a crappy little boom-box with a "one-disk changer" (As in I :::gasp!::: have to change my own cd when I want to listen to another one. I can't just hit a button. How do people suffer so...). But it's just odd that I don't even feel like I care about it. I did put them all back when I realized how many were lying around, but only this morning when I woke up at noon.

And that's another thing. How often do you forget to set your alarm clock? I don't. I'm so afraid of oversleeping that I check it about six dozen times before I go to sleep. And last night I didn't look at it once. I was really upset because Brian and I had a big fight over some really stupid thing...at least it wasn't a fight over something that's REALLY a problem I guess. But I went to sleep without setting my alarm clock. And the thing that really bugs me is I REALIZED and didn't fix it. That's little nagging voice in my brain said "Get up, it's time to get up!" and I said "I'm waiting for the alarm to go off." The little voice said "But you know damn well that alarm isn't GOING to go off!" And I did know. But I didn't care. I didn't want the alarm to wake me up. I didn't want to go outside in the cold to catch the bus to make it to Orgo on time. I didn't want to. And I guess I'm feeling guilty about it now, even though I only missed Orgo one other time and that was because I felt like I was going to throw up.

I have two tests next week and I haven't even opened the books yet. All I can think of is how badly I'd love to go do something fun until I got tired of it and wanted to go do something else. I'd love to be on Long Island now and go to the beach with friends and smoke a nasty cigar that I'd hate and think the whole time was bad for me. I'd love to sing at the beach like I did a few months ago with my friends. I'd love to play video games with friends until really late at night. I'd love to go bowling. Gosh...I feel better just thinking about doing all that.

I think what's going on is I feel a little forgotten about. You see, Brian had a take home test for his really hard math class and he's been doing it all week. He hasn't had much time to just sit and hang out with me. I understand he's got to do well on his test, and I don't want to drag him over here to sit and do nothing when his time is much better spent doing his take home test. But I miss it. I guess I'm not depressed, I'm going through a bit of Brian withdrawal. I'm not lonely. I do get to hang out with other friends, people from classes, my roommate (she's so cool...over break I have to get some pictures of her and her boyfriend to put on my cute couples pictures page.), and I get plenty of time for my schoolwork. But I love being with him, I love to see his smiling face when I open the door, and I love to get (and give!)huge squishy hugs. But he's been too busy for all that this whole week. I guess that's why I'm depressed.

If that's the case, I should feel better tomorrow...Brian's test is going to be handed in and after 5 he promised that he's all mine.

And as for something completely different, I have determined that HTML editors continue to suck, and I will continue to use Notepad. I just installed Netscape Communicator 4.01 and I tried out the Composer. It blows. It puts strange things all over the code and screws up my image maps. It took me forever to fix it. I also don't like all the other HTML editors I've tried. HoTMetaL Pro. 3.0 is the one I disliked the least, but I still couldn't edit files I already had made on it. It just didn't like them and therefore, I did not like it. I had a crappy Win 3.1 editor that came with my HTML for Idiots book, and I've tried several demos of different annoying editors. NotePad is the way until I find and editor which doesn't piss me off. ;)